Come on, you had to know this was coming. And believe me, I’ve heard some pretty dumb comments since being diagnosed. So, to help friends and families of cancer patients (and thus the patients, themselves) I am providing this guide. And it’s not just me, this is stuff I’ve heard from fellow survivors, things they hate to hear, or are just plain sick of hearing. So, here we go…
“You need to stay positive!” – This has to be the one I hate the most. There is not much positive about having surgery (or multiple surgeries), going through chemo and/or radiation. Some days, while you feel like you are going to throw up not just food but body parts, too, it is pretty hard to paste a smile on your face. But, more importantly, this puts a horrible burden on the patient. Why? Because it implies it is their fault if they do not improve! If their cancer doesn’t go into remission, it’s “obviously” because they weren’t positive. This burden of “fault” is likely to make the patient even more depressed than they already are. And some people’s idea of “positivity” is warped. When I was first diagnosed, I was told by the doctor I needed chemo after surgery. When I told this to a family member, I was told “You can’t think like that. You need to stay positive!” Just the fact of me saying my next step was needing chemo meant I wasn’t being positive. “Positivity” in their eyes meant refusing the chemo, I guess. All I was trying to do was follow the doctor’s advice. It wasn’t “negativity”, it was a treatment plan. 🙂
“Your lifestyle brought on your cancer.” – Ok, I know in some cases this can be true. Like if you smoked for 50 years and got lung cancer. But often cancer hits for no particular reason at all. Like telling the patient to “stay positive”, you’re putting the burden and blame on them.
“You look great!” – This is sometimes, but not always, followed by: “It’s like you’re not even sick!” We’re not naive. We know that the person is saying this to be nice, and often because they don’t know what to say. But honestly, the thought going through my mind was “If I look ‘great’ now, what the heck did I look like before?” And most days, the only reason I looked “great” was because my face was hidden under many layers of Bare Minerals. 😉
“I know how you feel.” – Do you have cancer? Then, no. You don’t. Even if you do have cancer, everyone copes with it differently. Please don’t compare your hangnail to my illness. I have had people compare lots of silly things to cancer, even the common cold.
“My friend/relative had cancer and they’re still alive 20 years past diagnosis!” – My first response to this statement is usually, “Oh, that’s wonderful! What type of cancer did they have?” To which the person replies either “Oh, I have no idea” or they name a cancer not even related to mine. Let me put this bluntly: Not every cancer is the same! They all have different 5 year survival rates. For example, Breast Cancer has one of the highest 5 year survival rates, while Pancreatic Cancer has one of the worst. And not every person’s body handles even the same cancer the same, because your prognosis depends on staging. So while I think it’s inspiring to hear that your loved one has had a long remission, you can’t expect my remission to be the same.
“I know someone who had your type of cancer, and they died from it.” – This is a different end of the spectrum from the previous, where the person mentioned is a long term survivor. And yeah, I could very well die from it. But let me fight it, first. In the meantime, I’d rather you not condemn me to death.
“So, you’re cured now?” – Some also word it, “So, you’re cancer free?” This has to be one of the biggest misconceptions about cancer I have heard. There is NO cure for ANY cancer. Only remission. No doctor can guarantee that your cancer won’t come back. I hope in the future this can change, and it is a big reason I volunteer for Relay For Life. Funds raised not only help cancer patients get things like wigs, or help applying makeup to look and feel better, or rides to treatment. It also helps researchers get important funds to find treatments and hopefully cures. If you want your loved one to be cured or cancer free, then make a donation to the American Cancer Society or get involved in Relay.
“Everything happens for a reason.” – Of course, it does. I firmly believe that. But not everyone does. So try explaining to your loved one the reason they deserved to get cancer. I don’t see that conversation ending well.
“If you’re not cured, you’re not praying hard enough or right.” – Ouch. I am a Christian and my faith is placed in God. So to hear this? That is cruel. I believe that God can heal you, but I also believe that God gives people different gifts. One of those gifts is healing. So I have faith that God gave my doctors the skills to treat me. But, the point is, this statement implies that, once again, it is your fault you are not healed. If you are a Christian, you are not good enough of one, and if you don’t believe in God, that’s the reason you are still sick.
“I hear you can be cured through accupuncture or other homeopathic treatments!” – I have heard it all. Fad diets, juicing, etc. I heard a story recently that a person stopped their chemo in favor of juicing. You know what happened? Their tumors grew in size and they got worse, and had to go through chemo after all. So, until there are studies proving that one of these homeopathic treatments actually works, I am going to trust the treatment that my doctor prescribes. You know, the person who actually has a PHD.
“Why didn’t they find your ovarian cancer on your pap smear?” – Yes, I know, this one is ovarian cancer specific. But this really needs to be addressed so other women can be caught early. Pap smears do NOT detect ovarian cancer, only cervical cancer. Do not get lulled into a false sense of security just because you are having yearly exams.
If you have cancer, and have more suggestions, I will be making a part 2 to this at some point. Please send me your suggestions for this list. 🙂
That all being said, I want to end this on a positive note:
What SHOULD You Be Saying To Or Doing For a Cancer Patient
- Stay by their side – Cancer is a good way to find out who your friends truly are. Some are so uncomfortable with a person having cancer, that their natural instinct is to back away. (I even hear horrifying stories where a healthy spouse divorces the sick one because they can’t deal with it.) But this is when the patient needs you most. Go to their appointments with them or to treatments. Sometimes, just having a person there gives them the strength to get through everything.
- Tell them you love them – They just want to know people care. A simple “I love you” means everything.
- Offer a shoulder to cry on – Cancer takes a huge emotional toll on a person. Often they feel they have no one to talk to. Let them cry. Let them vent. They might not have anyone else they feel they can talk to without judgment.
- Let them know you’re thinking of them – If the cancer patient is in the hospital, send a card or a gift. Be mindful of why they are in the hospital. If the person’s white blood cell count is bottomed out, and they are neutropenic, they will not be able to accept flowers or fresh fruit! Send them a stuffed bear instead! 🙂 (Neutropenia commonly happens after doses of chemo.)
- Get tested! – It’s possible that your loved one might need more than your love at some point. They might need your blood. They could have kidney cancer and need a kidney. They could need bone marrow transplant. Offering yourself to get tested as a donor could save their life!
- Work with others to offer help to the family – When someone is battling cancer, they might have basic needs neglected. Set up a rotation with others to bring over hot meals for their family. Set up rotations to help with housework and cleaning. Offer to watch their kids for them while they are hospitalized or having treatment.
- Offer distractions to cheer them up – Bring over a movie to watch with them. Other things might include books or crossword puzzle books.
- Check to see if the hospital charges for TV or phone service – Some hospitals nickel and dime EVERYTHING. One thing often overlooked is a daily fee for TV and/or phone service. TV is a great distraction. So, if your loved one is going to be in the hospital for a while, pay for their service for them!
- If they lose their hair, offer fun wigs or head coverings – This is not always covered by insurance. Personally, I had a prescription for a wig and it was STILL denied! Wigs are often pricey, and something that may not be financially possible for someone with huge medical bills when they are suddenly unable to work. Even co-payments add up! Imagine the look on their face when they receive a new wig or a bunch of fun scarves to cover their head!
